“I am back in this place of just expecting something bad to happen. Because it feels like nothing good happens to us. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. But it’s just the way it feels right now.”
Oh friend. Yes. This place that feels like it will never end. And the very realness of more bad news. Trying to be ok with God allowing things to happen that we wouldn’t choose. And yet at the same time -”God? Couldn’t it Just. Go. Right. For a few minutes?
Choices made that are out of our control.
Regardless of the reason, there are times when it just won’t go away, this dogged sense that says that God is out to get us.
We duck and cower, peering at the sky occasionally as we attempt to cover our heads with our hands.
It’s a poor shelter from the fierce shrapnel we know is headed our way.
Maybe after awhile we get lazy and forget to protect ourselves.
But when it hits? We aren’t surprised. We were expectant. We knew it. We knew it was coming.
We feel so helpless. At the mercy of a God who could stop all of this stuff, but doesn’t. How do we reconcile this in our minds? How do we trust Him? I’ve asked this question many times. And the prayer that I was moved to pray several years ago almost didn’t seem relevant. Yet I knew I was to pray this.
“God. Help me to see You as You truly are.”
I now know why.
Somehow through the muck of the sorrows we slog through, there must be hope, or our souls will die. Somehow we have to rest in Him and find the place in His arms where it is safe. The storms can blow and rage, and we are sad and grieved. Yet all that we experience only comes after being carefully reviewed and sifted through the Father’s hand…. making sure that what we experience isn’t too much- (though many times it feels as though it is) – that with Him we WILL be able to bear it.
None of this is bearable if we don’t know Him. My view of Him in the past? An aloof Father who sat in heaven, loving me because He had to, certainly not liking me, and wishing I would hurry up and get it together so I could serve Him like He made me to.
I still struggle with this wrong vision of Him. So I still pray to know Him. To know the power of the resurrection. And gradually, the view I have had of what is so not the God I serve is changing. He is answering this prayer I’ve prayed without even knowing why I should.
If we can only see Him as He is.
The perfect combination of every tender, caring, and lovely attribute we can imagine.
Times a lot more than a million.
It is imperative that we not lose the vision in our minds of who He really is. Because if we do? All is lost.
He is not out to get us.
And that moment? That moment when we stand before Him and He finally folds us up warm into His great arms, whispering adoration and love? When He proudly smiles and says, “Well done, my daughter. Well done.” We must keep this fresh in our hearts and souls.
Can we imagine Him singing over us? He does, my friend.
It will be worth it all.
Soul-lover let me fly to Thee-
Thou the perfect husband; friend.
My heart to Thee is fixed, entwined,
I lift my heart and eyes to Thine…
Fill! Oh fill me full with Thee-
And self, yes, self, Abba-crucify.
But let me not depart from Thee
Keep me close, is this soul’s cry…
I yield, I give all worldly gain,
Sweet Saviour, hold me close, I pray.
If Thou art mine and I am Thine,
Then all’s aright and I am safe.
Bind this wandering heart to Thee
So prone am I – yet! Love’s your song…
Amazing grace, refrain repeat…
Sung over me, sung sweet and long.
To think that Thou rejoice’st for me,
Whom flesh and sin wrap sore around
My husband, friend, and shepherd – LORD!
Thy love for me, how sweet the sound.